I am just a shadow...

i am a bitch

2006-11-05T03:48:10Z

i think i really upsetted matt. opps.
i get so cynical and offensive. in a moment i go from happy and sweet .. to that.
i used to do that to ross. we only fought when i got that way. pretty sad.
i get mean streaks. and i cant control them.
it was really sad. matt asked me "why are you acting different?"
and i tired to explain to him but he interupted me and said he just wanted to go to bed and hung up fast.
heres the reason why i got that way though.
when i dont get my way, i become a bitch. i guess. mostly because of our situation.
there was a begining for ross and i. i knew we were going to live near each other so i managed till then.
but matt is moving to colorado. and he doesnt like tn. i got very offensive when he said he doesnt like tn and he is defiantly going to co.
so my brain registered that and acted on it. i felt like. wtf? why do i like him and why do we hold it togther when its just never going to work. i think i really just didnt want to hear him say that and it pisses me off that he seems like he almost loves me but... doesnt matter. i think we just love each others bodies. which is why we havent learned to love each other. there is no love in that. just lies. i am sad i went against my moral code..

sum1unimportant @ 2006-08-22T23:24:00

2006-08-23T04:42:57Z

I love Taking Back Sunday. so much.

yea. so at church they talked about not getting satisfied with earthly things. so true. i mean i never felt so satisfied with life until ross broke up with me, when i made the choice to change and let God fill the void. like all christians we fall at times and this is my falling time. i feel so unmotivated to do anything even read the bible. i know that once i do then things will get better, but i need ot make that first step to this life change.

i really hate long distance relationships. well liking other boys in different zipcodes. i just get aggervated with feeling the way i feel being away from the person i like to be with. time kinda stops, i guess bc its the same thing every night. tlking on the phone. and when you dont tlkon the phone with them, makes me feel even more aggervated whenthough its really no ones fault but our fault to get involved in the beinging knowing i live so freaking far away. but in the present its noones fault.

im bothered i get to see ross and not matt, i think im craazy i threw away a years worth of faith. but it had to happen. i guess?? to late now. i guess im pmsing so im going to state how i am feeling in this moment . note that i dont feel like this always.

at the present moment. how i feel is... aggervated at that. and with my aggervation comes the feeling for just not wanting a relationship where the guy lives 12 hrs away. even if we arent offically togther. i rather just ignore the feelings. after all he does feel like a dream and dreams fade. i guess i seek comfort in other ppl and when i feel like the person is oblivious to how i am feeling and doesnt know how to make me feel better makes me feel unsatisfied with them ... or when i cant make them feel better. i feel unsatisfied with myself... just ingeneral... alot is missing inside of me. maybe i sold my self to the devil without even knowing it. idk... i hate liking ppl far away from me. its worth it depneding on how far you want to take the realtionship but im not even sure if i wanna to take it any farther im not even over ross yet.. i wonder when that will happen? when matt dumps me. sure.

i hate that i cant keep promises to myself. i also hate how i feel like some things that happened during the summer had to happen, why do certian situations have to happen inorder for the next step to work. why cant it just happen and not be complicated. right now... since im so lost in what i dont know what to do with mylife or who i want to be with. i feel like i need to be alone with God again.
i dont really want to do that bc i dont want to lose my possible future. its hard for me to like someone the way i like matt. and i dont like to view it as there are other guys. no i rather keep the one i have.. idk really. im sure this will change later tonight. i dont think anyone....

oH Man

2006-07-30T05:46:51Z

believinginjune journal makes me laugh. I love it.
i really... really can't focus. At All. period.
I'm sooo not thrilled about Ross.
I don't understand myself. I waited so long.
but I like matt. and you know, I'm not ready yet for a commitment. Being told what to do.
I love Ross. but I love this freedom too. and I'm just not feeling the romance with him, not yet.
I'm sure I'm shattering his heart liking one of his "friends".
Amber is against me not wanting to be with Ross, if that makes sense.
shes saying things like "Matt is that much better than ross?" like I'm crazy for liking him.
It's not that really. It's that i basicly convinced myself to let go of Ross.
Who knows what will happen? Matt and I are friends. its nice to have a friend like him.
it will be difficult though when we both move on way from each other. I'll be pretty jealous the day he meets some one else.
Kristen and I are driving back to Fl. Hurray!.
one thing i dont like about what happened between Matt and I is that it caused conflict between the group.
Kevin doesn't seem like he really cares to be my friend.
but Matt most defiantly made my summer.
I thank God for have meeting him.
Brian IMed me the other day. I wasn't there to reply back. I wonder how he is doing.
I can't believe it's been 3 years.

I don't miss being the disaster I was 3 or 4 years ago but I do miss how in deep though i was in all the time.
I miss how i could write poems that sounded decent. I dont have that in me anymore.

I feel, But I just let myself feel. I dont really think to much about how exactly I feel. just that I'm either happy, angry or sad.
I can't believe after 3 years i still write in this thing.

you know, i hate that i still feel like the loser in the bunch of friends. like im half retarded. i can't think.....

I AM SO COLD. just when i feel like i have a lot of friends. i dont really.

i am waiting for matt to call. and i have church tomorrow and i have to wake up early teusday and drive 12 hours.
i still see eleven all the time. and.. makes me think. i always feel like im doing something wrong and God isnt watch out for me but just watching me fall into a rut and letting me make the wrong choices because he gave us that free will. I need to make Christ like decisions all the time no matter what because i want to be blessed and have the best life ic an. so no more bad choices. because feeling like Hes disapointed in me and like He wants to abandon me makes me feel like my life should just end now. because without God there with me all the time, I feel it. I feel myself slipping away into great disaster or just a boring not so great of a life. I want to make the best decisions so i can have the best life and and marry the person He has for me the first time so i can avoid what im so strongly against. divorice. i am so worried ill end up with the guy God didnt neccesserily want me to be with.

crack open and bottle of red lest toast to this here bed offer out your hand my one night 2 month three year stand. (not really)

oh my goodness

2006-07-25T07:01:27Z

I AM SO CONFUSED. and i hate this.... i hate it so much. it is my fault. i guess? i mean. i took ross as he doesnt like me he doesnt want me. i gave it up. and so once i gave it up it got so compplicated. i felt so happy with matt and even though im in tn i still feel so happy to have him the way i have him. i dont see any flaws in us together. its pretty perfect. i can imagine being happy with him forever. hes that kind of guy and we get along that well. so much incommon it is insane. doesnt mean its ment to be though. its up to God. who does he want me to be with? you know. and with matt i havent thought much about does God aprove of us? does He want me really to be with ross. bc i felt that was the right. and i still think it is right. so many things line up perfect for ross and i its insane to think it couldnt work out. but he just pushed him self so farway i decided it was useless to keep thinking it was going to work. i wanted to be free from ross. i wanted to get away from feeling likeim stuck to him. like i was attached. noo... dont want to feel that way. and you know what? i dont feel like that any more. i guess mostly because i like matt ALOT. matt i do not regret. hes pretty much the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. lol... all that time of just prayer and hoping ross and i get back together and when the opprotunity arises im not so sure about it any more. i love how that worked out. it seems soooooo easy to just forget something in the past. matt... hes happening now. hes real to me. even though it does all feel like a dream. just bc it seemed to perfect. we got so close so fast. close in a comfortable way. (not like that) but i know him so well. and he knows me so well. i dont want to let him go really. i dont want to be selfish though. its not right to put ross and matt through this tension. maybe i should stop liking both. bc its hurting me to think ill eventually will hurt one of them. its not fair to them. its not fair to matt im stuck. matt.....is soo amazing. so perfect. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. i need to tlk to God. i need to pray really hard really long. like, i dont want matt and i to end.. but i dont see us ever being together like, he doesnt have plans for tn and i dont have plans for fl. it seems so right when im with him. Lord can you please tell me. i am seriously getting so depressed over this situation. and the only thing i can think of doing is just waiting it out. not having a commitment. i thought ross was gone forever. why didnt he just stay that way? because now im killing myself.

ross called to ask if he should stay away from me so he wouldnt interfer with matt and i. i said no but not to plan on being with me bc im not doing it. when i think of being without matt, it makes me cry. it makes me so sad it makes me sooo bothered and broken hearted. when i think of losing this chance with ross, i feel like im denying all of my dreams. everything ive been waiting for, i feel like id be making a mistake. im not positive how i feel for him. i miss him ill always love him. but im not in love im also not in love with matt but i do feel stronger for him. WHY DID ROSS CHANGE HIS MIND? where did he come from? is he doing this because hes afriad to lose me for good? all i know is.. i dont want another serious relationship. i cant do another heartbreak even though im feeling it right now. and have been this past 2 weeks. like... they are both gone. because. i screwed up. matt is not a screw up. but i am. i didnt consult God first. before i made these moves. i decided to lose faith. and God would have never wanted that. seems easier to just fall in love with matt. but i dont know. i dont want to be serious with him and then it not working and i lose my chance with the right person. SEE I DONT KNOW. at all. these words are killing matt. they would kill me if he still loved or whatever jackie. and i know what i told ross tonight killed him. i feel like such a player. such a jack ass. and the only thing i can think of to do is to just ask God to just read the bible. just have faith the right thing will happen. matt doesnt talk much about his relationship with God. makes me unsure about where he stands with Him. i know ive been pretty off with God. havent put my 100% into us. and i know its VERY important that who im with is a stronge christian. and ross is. which... is awesome. is matt?

the best thing to do is to leave it alone. stop analyzing it and ask for Gods direction. matt ask for Gods direction too.

seems like if matt and i didnt get the way we are i would have never tlked to ross the way i did. which means he wouldnt feel this way. which means. i wouldnt hurt either of them. becuase...im just stabing them softly now.

CONFLICT

2006-07-06T02:42:41Z

ive been hanging out with Matt a lot more lately. some times its just him and i. and evryone has gotten the wrong impression. ross comfronted me telling me its wrong to flirt with someone when he just got done being in a relationship. and it hurts ross. blah blah blah. ive basicly decided i am here if ross ever wants to get back together, but for now.. i dont care how it looks. matt is my friend now. i tried connecting to kevin, but hes not connectable. lol. and he acting like my dad. matt and i hung out today for a while and kevin mentioned he stopped by matts house earlier. i guess he said that to say he knew we hung out. okay? and... ??? why does it matter. matt really is someone i can tlk to forever about deep topics and these convos flow so well.. matt knows my what i have in my heart and what im thinking. i tell him. he knows who i want to bew with. im not screwing with his head. its so funny bc when its just him and i we arent even close/ flirty like at all. so ive also decided im not hugging my guy friends any more or touch them in anyway. kevin its being kinda difficult. i feel a little tension between us and this makes me want to go home to tn so i dont have to deal with being accused.

its getting better between ross and i.

one more note about kevin. NEVER TRUST HIM WITH YOUR SECRETS.

so about ross and i. its complicated and i really just wanna say.. see ya in a another lifetime. bc i hate this waiting. and his jealousy. if he wants to be with me so badly. he NEEDS to take the step of faith and know its okay. that God aproves. do i not deserve ross? thats the only reason why this wouldnt work out. o well im enjoying this freedom of not being tide down and i like just being ross's friend. even though its a bit hard sometimes. my skin itches badly.

i wont give up the fight this hearts stronger this time.

sum1unimportant @ 2006-06-29T01:17:00

2006-06-29T06:39:46Z

CyberKnightL33t (11:35:40 PM): Nighty night. Sorry if I upset you by the things I said earlier. When I have more time to explain to you things will be better.

i love lovers ball.

man im having a good time. man hes such an adorable guy. almost unhuman how adorable he is. i guess because mostly how he carries himself, how he talks, his selection of words, what he likes. we have so much in common, just like alot of the same things. i cant see. i couldnt imagine how haard it would be to lose someone like that.

im 17 and theres a brand new show tonight. and matt, mike, dan and i are going, on my birthday! yesterday wa sthe first day ross and i actually tlked about us. amazing.

i just want to go on about how adorable he is. man that sucks.

kevin is giving me crap. thats always annoying. lets see. what did ross say today...?

well he feels the same about me like when we were together. some days he wants to be with me some days he doesnt. so that sucks he cant make up his mind, and right now im typing without looking at the type board and im doing pretty good. oh soo. i guess its good he still might want to be with me. but whatever happens happens ay?
because. it kills. and i love being atteracted to ppl. not liking someone. but taking interest in someone and having a good time just tlking. i love that. ::hug::

Here I stand, waiting, hoping and breathing With so many thoughts but still thinking of nothing at all Not knowing what I need
I won't cry I'm sure this time we'll be alright I won't give up the fight This heart's stronger this time
Watch all the tears as they fall with the rain Her lips remain sealed and I remain trembling Will the rain wash me away or will it sink me in Will it be my escape or will it bring me back to you
As the speed of the storm has her running for cover She's fighting to paint a scene with no colors When the rain like hurt is left beating upon her She'll know this is home
As we stand here together I wish she'd just make up her mind I'd wait for her forever but in this weather I am fighting to keep my feet on the ground Hearts dying but I can't let it go down (not now) And I swear I won't go... I swear I won't go This storm won't break the sound Of this heart that yells so loud
As the speed of the storm has her running for cover She's fighting to paint a scene with no colors When the rain like hurt is left beating upon her She'll know this is home
The speed of the storm Keeps her running, she's running on She thinks she needs more But she won't find it, won't find it there Why does she ignore The things she is missing alone And the reasons I wish she'd call this home

ill give up the fight

2006-06-24T05:13:40Z

I'm going about my life without worrying to much about the person i'd like to be with. As it appears sometimes, I'm upset. and that is true. Very true, I get upset over him. And you know thats human nature. So my heart was set and then the setting reversed and I have a difficult time being around that person and being normal and happy around him. It does not work like that with me. There is history. when there is history theres no going back to just a normal freindship. We cant get to know each other because we know each other. We can start over but it feels to awkward to try that. And when we hang out its with other people so we ignore each other. No steps have been takin. He wanted to tlk to me last week, but i couldnt and it hasnt happened. so I guess he doesnt care to much. I GIVE UP THE FIGHT.
Right now. this is so emotionaly draining. and since he does not want a girlfriend there is no longer a point to us hanging out because IT KILLS ME. i cant ever just be ross's friend. It destorys. I know God is on my side but i cant always be all on a spiritual high. I feel it. I get beaten down. I am reminded of what it was. And i cant make it stop. Hope hes amused i feel like this. i hope hes happy. no games.

I know. God will provide someone for me. I will go about living my life the way id like. without going out of my way for Ross just to see him and end up feel like crap. Its pointless. i was doing awesome without talking to him at all. and thats how it needs to be if we arent going to try to take steps to have another relationship. I cant handle just waiting around. not knowing. I know though that i wont feel like this forever. And I know since Ross and I arent supose to be together that I will meet someone that wants to be with me, that i love back just as much. And you know... i will be so blinded by that love i will forget this like i have forgotten about Brian. I really want to make that decision to never look back. but i havent had the guts. because i know i cant do it. hah!

I cant wait for time to pass by and not tlk to Ross at all. because i slowly give him up. i give him up and i can finally feel... normal. like i did till he started tlking to me again. i get so excited youd think im on a high. then i get so low youd think im a drunk.

i cant wait to meet the one im supose to marry. I will know it. but i thought i knew before. i fool myself to much. see if i say i know and i believe it... haha.... fool

sum1unimportant @ 2006-06-23T10:48:00

2006-06-23T15:49:22Z

i miss not missing him.

oh my

2006-06-17T04:20:17Z

johnny wolf looks like brian shields. hes soo adorable. johnny is i mean.

better is one day in Your courts

2006-06-16T04:55:52Z

is by far my FAVORITE worship song. and right now... i really feel like singing my heart out with a room filled of others longing for the same desire with professional vocals and music. with intense lyrics....
i can always worship God no matter what im doing. being close to Him, even if your conscience isnt worshiping Him. your subconscience is singing all the time. its a great feeling of happiness. i believe this is where joy comes from.
i got so use to my church's worship team in tn that its hard to go back.
my church in vero doesnt compare to how great bethel is. and i now understand why ellen hated going to church here.
its hard to get in the presence of God when you drop down a knotch in quatily of the worship team.
not saying i cant worship Him during that time. i just cant get into the songs and feel heart longed for it if you would say.
i just really need that.

you know, ive been having issues with reading. i never know what i should read in the bible. i try to fallow a pattern but i lose it sometimes.

this visit has been fun and it isnt over yet. im excited to find out whats going to happen. with ross and i obviously. even though somethings dont go the way i like. i still know that something good is going to happen. something great will happen. im not losing my faith just because of a stupid remark ross says or if i feel like hes ignoring me. because i know if thats how its going to end if it ends today or once the summer is over... something good will still happen. and ill meet that goodness in the future. ill meet him. and he will be amillion x better than ross. he will be. something worth waiting for. or ross is as good as it gets. lol. which is pretty great. minus how he acts towards me sometimes. i dont care! what am i tlking about? oh... im tlking about my faith for a good ending. my faith for a new relationship . my faith in God that wont die even if i become heart broken. i think sometimes. what if ross isnt the one, what if God is telling him something else. but i cant think that. because thats faith. you believe in it no matter what. theres no doubt about it. it will happen.

hebrews 11:1 define the faith.

the curious incident of the dog in the night-time

2006-06-14T02:55:02Z

i know why ross likes prime numbers.
because of this book he had to read for college that i am reading now for high school.
and this boy starts talking about prime numbers on page 11. and 11 is a prime number.
and...

This is..

2006-06-13T04:44:57Z

REDICULOUS. how i act. im so stupid at times and i cant just change that. WHY CANT I JUST CHANGE MY MOODS!? i have these awful mood swings. i get irritated and then happy. come on diane! Im so sorry. i really can not help how i feel. i really cant just like i explained in my last entry. i ask for it daily. ::eyes water:: i cant even begin.... i guess i am crazy. because. eleven.... eleven. eleven. and ill say it 300 more times. its not just a coincidence. it happened now. it happens a lot. i hate how no one believes me. but that doesnt really matter because i believe in it. i have faith for it. it felt so good. to not think of him for a month. it felt so good to not miss him for just a month.. it felt so good.

do you know? guys are cold hearted. i understand why girls are lesbiens. to have equal emotions.

i feel aalright right now. you know its all in your head. ill come up with some kind of solution. so ill think of the one thing that will get me through this crap life. and it will make me happy no matter what. that will be my mood switcher. i guess if things dont go the way id like them it bothers me. but that doesnt matter...

i made it to that point. i got far. diane got so far with this. moving on concept. and then it reversed. i just blocked that issue out. and now i cant bc im around the issue. i thank God everyday... for how great my life is. and you know. my happy thought is dying. but christians dont die. they go home. just going home. it makes me so happy to think i wont be living like this on this awful earth forever. i wont have these crappy emotions and temptations that separate me from Him. I hate being apart from Him. and when it happens it seems hard to get close again.

im excited for this summer. feels like it should be over already though. i guess bc the last few days feels like months.
im really not worried. i feel like i dont have much to look forward too. but im not worried. i dont care actually.
i still get bothered. however....

I could NEVER be friends with Ross. like think of him as just a friend. i could never... unless he just turned into a brian. but brian just sucks as a person. soo i could never be friends with ross. i can hang out with him but.. i cant be friends with some one ive had history with. these last 7 months have felt like maybe 2 months. it went by so fast. just because i dont see him for that long doesnt mean i dont like him still. you think id be over it you say? after that long... i will never be over it untill i find that person that just rocks my world a million times more. ita the truth. i dont get over it till im with someone so much better. so true. i cant. i tell you what though. to avoid these situations id rather go back in time and and changed that day. i would have never went up to ross and kevin... i would have never said high. i woould have never made new freinds that day. to avoid the brutual ending. i would have to admit... id take it all back. but hay. its my fault i always meet the guys. they never meet me..

none of this inbetween crap

2006-06-12T16:31:35Z

its eleven eleven and i didnt even plan on it.
so being home is wonderful. i saw ross. im a bit con confused by him.
i tell you what. im so sick of this guy confusion. jason totally ruined my patients.
i just dont want to deal with it. but thats the inbetween time right?
its rediculous. actually. i think hes afriad. hes confused himself and he doesnt know what he wants.
im sure he was flirting just to get my attention. hes flirting with amber to. ALOT. and it doesnt make me mad.
it just confuses me more. wtf.
im sry nick.
and i have a whole summer to see what happens. i mean why rush it? for all i know loving him the way i did again could be a very huge mistake.
i dont mean to get in a bad mood when the attention isnt on me. it just sucks. this feeling of... wow usually i was with him all the time. i huged him i kissed him we tlked. we spent time together. and its hard to get out of the mentality. i forget sometimes that we arent togther. and i have this urge to go hug him or hold his hand. he seems like ross. not much different just alot better of aa person. but how he acts isnt want id expect from him after this big transformation he had. hes kinda perverted yea. he just jokes alot with inappropriate stuff. im afriad im not what he had expected me to be. maybe im not mature enough. or "Godly" enough. maybe my hair isnt long enough and my butt is to big. maybe he was just curious how id react if he showed interest. maybe im fooling my self? i dont know. but we cant not tlk about it. IT CANT BE A GUESSING GAME it is up to God. with what happens. but God doesnt tell us to act any certian way. its our job to ask Him if this is right. which we should be praying about all long. i have been. i know it. i swear to you i know. i just know.

its him. he needs confirmation. what is he going by? i asked him what he was thinking. he said he was sorry for offending me by flirting. which didnt offend me but confused me. and that he doesnt know what will happen and its up to God. so how does this work. maybe hell go by what he feels for me. or something shows clear in a bible verse. maybe so many coincedences occur how could u ignore the answer?

hey miss murder

2006-06-09T06:01:44Z

I ADORE AIF'S NEW CD... I ADORE... IADORE...

holy cow. im having a cow. so for sure... we are leaving tomorrow. and i have knots in my stomach.
im upset.... oh i am upset. my friends suck at life some times...
ill tell later.
last night it rained out of nowhere. we were at the park. then pour... so kristen and i went swimming in the river. that was excited. the guys were pussys about it. to cold to dark.. whateva! i love adventure!

oh goodness. guess who i ran into.. jason.. you guessed right. I MISS HIM.... to bad he sucks at life too. better and bigger guys out there. lol since hes the size of a tooth pick.

so im running around frantic. delying everything i have to be doing.... i just get distracted and over whelmed and freaked and... freakin!

so i stop... and sit in this very uncomfortable chair and stair at my computer screen. its relaxing like this new afi cd is to my ears. 3 YEARS.....

im sad the year warped tour comes to nashville all my friends are going and no one in fl wants to go... ::CRIES:: OH... so i think i know what im doing for my bday... ::excitment:: im going to see brandnew with the fellas. extra ticket! it will be just like spring break... well. without amber. ::tear:: dude... my summer is made.

sum1unimportant @ 2006-06-04T00:29:00

2006-06-04T05:36:58Z

so we arent leaving till mid week next week. ::rips out hair:: i will be paitent. even though anxioty is attacking my nerves.

i wish i didnt have to eat to live. i want to stop eating. i eat to much. i hate eating. no more eating for Diane. im sure i said that before.
today was alright. bon fire at andrews was fun. crazy kids. sooo.... i dont even know whaat to say. but... i need to know Lord. oh i need to know what You have waiting for me. because i have been so paitent... please show me this summer what it is. what do You have for me? what aam i waiting for?
maybe im waiting for You. Lord theres a reason why he left. and its good. everything will play right. it will be decent. it will be right whatever it is. however it works. it will be right this time. it will be all You. give him back. hell be back.

Hey Diane! he IMed immediatly when he got on line. i think he wants to see me? i think....

it scared him. im sure he thought he lost me for good. bc i did like jason alot. thats why.. he wants to see me now. idk...
i wish i was likaable. i wish i had a purpose for living, cause idont right now.

you spin me right round

2006-06-03T08:22:44Z

i went to a rich boys house today. amazing...
went in a sana(sp) and swam and... pet horses. oh i pet a goose! lol.. cute
we watched some of this movie. called party monster. it was fareaking discusting and it mentally damaged my brain..
kristen and i left early bc it was just awful. about drag queens. like guys dressed like girls is ... freaking sick.
defiantly could feel the... evil put into that file. but Ben would like that crap since he is gay.

so sick oh so sick of waiting. i just want to go. i cant sleep. im not tired. ahhh!!! im making dvds like crazy. thank God. im finally getting to it.
what am i doing tomorrw? not eating... i eat to much crap now and its time to tame it down a bit.
i hate that im the only one that wants to go to fl which makes it suck a little for me bc all i hear is complaining about how every one hates it and wants to leave. i love it.....

afi teusday! ohh snap.. sleep sleep time. lets see if i can shut these eyes.

sleepy

2006-06-01T08:12:35Z

so i told kevin id stay up all night and tol to him.
idk. hes crazy. im tired and today is ross's 19th bday. wow. i met him just b4 he was 17. hes changed to be quit an amazing person.
underoath, as cities burn and poison the well was great. i wanna go back. my neck hurts. and we cant stage dive any more. id make this more interesting but im fareaking tired.
i got as cities burn cleaning rag for their instruments. lol.
thank you Lord.

nothing new, cameron spilled his heart to me. but i dont like horn dogs. im not looking for sex... no thanks cammy.
defiantly looking for... (u know)

the sound of animals fighting.

2006-05-29T04:43:54Z

oh and they fight. good day.
we... went to church. picnic.
um. starbucks. i got a inspiration to be happy.
and i got happy.
krista came with me to the park.
kristen,matt,sam,cammy,and charlie was there.
we did terror walks. and did sonic.
umm...

soo i had a good conversation with ross. all is said and done. i told him about jason.
i could tell he was looking for an answer. why did it end? it just had to. it was in Gods hands and thats how it was just supose to be.
i just think jason is afriad of commitment.. lol. thats what matt said anyway and that he likes me. still but matt also hasnt hung out with jason since prom.
i dont care! hehe... i feel pretty good. and im getting pretty excited for fl like i should be.
yea. i do miss jason. and i loved our cd. but it sucks. bc it just really reminds me of him. and. makes me sad we arent friends. OWELL!

i dont feel heart broken any more. im not worried. i dont care. i just really enjoyed his piano playing and singing and that cuteness about him. fun. but... doesnt know. just doesnt know.

Lord i pray for him.

haha!!! i caught him! so awhile back way when during winter break. ross called to find out when youth group started. and he already knew.. but he wanted to find out if i was going. thats why he called. heh. just a random story.

im stoked about underoath tomorrow. and as cities burn. and poison the well.

charlie and cameron likes me.

IT GETS ON MY NERVES. listen up... Matt over here fareaking bites at me and does the kiss dealie. the ::muah:: and... turns on my hazard lights and pets my steering wheel and pretends the car lieks it and turns on the windsheld wippers. its just nuts bc he got that from jason and jason did that crap all the time. make me run off the road.

GOODNESS HE NEEDS TO STOP... it just sucks. it just hurts. okay.

I WILL NOT BE VUNERABLE EVER AGAIN. my attachment days are through. unless he plays his cards right.

keys

2006-05-28T04:46:20Z

i did. i had a mental breakdown. it was a serious one. almost dangerous. i needed to leave. i could not find my keys for 30 min. no one was home. instead of containing my anger. i let loose. i screamed. i cried. i hypervenalated. i did a few hardcore kicks and punchs i thought i could never do. gave my self a head ach. screamed and cried histarically some more. that broke the ice.
my keys.... are a big part of my life now and has been since the day i could drive. without my keys. part of my life stops. i am stuck without them. its my pass go to get away. and i couldnt. for 30 mintues. 30 mintues when your in my kind of position is a long time.

wanna hear?

good news. i didnt miss the bands. cowboy dynamite is fun. ilovewes hes so funny.

before that though. the bathroom door is shut. whilei am inserting my tampon someone opens the door slowly and once i notice it was closing slowly. i come out in a panic and freaked and pissed and angry and emotional and whatever else. i yelled. "whoever opened the door was not cool im going up stairs and crying now" as i walk pass the living room paul says "sticking in a tampon"
im like WTF? that... that... I HATE IT WHEN PPL STAY IN MY HOUSE.

MY HOUSE!!@#@|#R @#T

so i feel pretty freaking sick to my stomach.

i had to leave. and without my keys. i couldnt do so. NEVER AGAIN AM I EVER GOING TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT LOCKING THE DOG ON DOOR. wft.
i just ask God to help me. emotionally. this period is hitting hard. and the fact jason broke up with me at this time made it even harder. im okay now. i dont really care. i dont. i think its just a bunch of things that arent good all at once hitting me. like i dont even care. i just want to leave. go to the beach. have a revival. go home to vero and see my friends.have a delightful time with my friends and God. i just want to be close to Him. and i want hot water. and blood circulation. and with 8 other ppl in the house... that doesnt happen.

my eyes burn. can i just be happy for no reason? i can. ami willing to make an effort?
no... because its work and i really dont feel like trying. i feel like praying a lot. and thats what ill do.
i want to be lost on an island,

your just another star thats burnt out to quickly.

2006-05-27T04:21:32Z

crossbreedweirdo (10:38:55 PM): its quit childish
crossbreedweirdo (10:39:08 PM): highschool relationships are dumb
GuitarPyro101 (10:39:21 PM): yea,,
GuitarPyro101 (10:39:23 PM): oh well
crossbreedweirdo (10:39:31 PM): yep! live and learn
GuitarPyro101 (10:39:36 PM): they are a get away from other things though
crossbreedweirdo (10:39:44 PM): like what
GuitarPyro101 (10:39:51 PM): parent stress
GuitarPyro101 (10:39:52 PM): idk
GuitarPyro101 (10:40:00 PM): boring friendships
GuitarPyro101 (10:40:07 PM): boredum in general
crossbreedweirdo (10:40:12 PM): well if your freindship is boring u shouldnt be friends
GuitarPyro101 (10:40:23 PM): ok
GuitarPyro101 (10:40:25 PM): ur right
crossbreedweirdo (10:40:28 PM): okay how does a relationship make it not boring
GuitarPyro101 (10:40:33 PM): highschool rel = blah
GuitarPyro101 (10:40:34 PM): nvm
crossbreedweirdo (10:40:43 PM): lol
crossbreedweirdo (10:40:59 PM): yea i made fun of myself bc i have highschool whatevers
GuitarPyro101 (10:41:39 PM): or maybe ur in this like i hate relationships mood esk becuse of recent happenings...
crossbreedweirdo (10:42:26 PM): could be... but eitehr way... high school sweathearts DONT HAPPEN and ya just waste time and get distracted and get hurt. i mean it has to end sometime
GuitarPyro101 (10:42:38 PM): ok
GuitarPyro101 (10:42:41 PM): that is true
GuitarPyro101 (10:42:53 PM): they equal
GuitarPyro101 (10:43:07 PM): fun good happy.. then sad hurt mad
crossbreedweirdo (10:43:16 PM): yeap!
crossbreedweirdo (10:43:24 PM): comes with the package
GuitarPyro101 (10:43:33 PM): yea
crossbreedweirdo (10:44:25 PM): i mean i guess it depends on how i feel about the person.
crossbreedweirdo (10:45:15 PM): if loving them is worth the heartach. ya!
GuitarPyro101 (10:45:26 PM): there we go
GuitarPyro101 (10:45:42 PM): thats better then,, highschool relationships = all around pointless
crossbreedweirdo (10:45:47 PM): lol
crossbreedweirdo (10:45:49 PM): .sure are
crossbreedweirdo (10:47:10 PM): okay... sooo.. since we have established that u love me as a friend. i dont find it appropriate u call me love. bc it just confuses me...
GuitarPyro101 (10:47:39 PM): ...
GuitarPyro101 (10:48:01 PM): sorry
crossbreedweirdo (10:48:20 PM): welll
crossbreedweirdo (10:48:28 PM): if u understand
crossbreedweirdo (10:48:35 PM): please say u do
GuitarPyro101 (10:48:43 PM): yea
GuitarPyro101 (10:48:44 PM): ok
GuitarPyro101 (10:48:51 PM): no mas calling of love??>..
crossbreedweirdo (10:48:56 PM): i mean its one thing i u like me...
crossbreedweirdo (10:49:03 PM): its another if u like me as a friend
crossbreedweirdo (10:49:30 PM): if*
crossbreedweirdo (10:50:02 PM): bc calling of love means...
crossbreedweirdo (10:50:10 PM): like
GuitarPyro101 (10:50:17 PM): ok
GuitarPyro101 (10:50:24 PM): no mas...
crossbreedweirdo (10:50:27 PM): your togther
crossbreedweirdo (10:50:29 PM): or something
GuitarPyro101 (10:50:37 PM): ok
crossbreedweirdo (10:50:44 PM): can i ask
GuitarPyro101 (10:50:47 PM): yes
crossbreedweirdo (10:50:50 PM): what changed your mind
GuitarPyro101 (10:50:58 PM): what changed my mind
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:08 PM): idk..
crossbreedweirdo (10:51:08 PM): yea
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:10 PM): i mean
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:12 PM): come on
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:19 PM): u didnt think it was perfect either did u
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:21 PM): idk
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:29 PM): in my mind,,, i just didnt see it
crossbreedweirdo (10:51:32 PM): what?
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:34 PM): idk
crossbreedweirdo (10:51:35 PM): oh ok
crossbreedweirdo (10:51:40 PM): no connection?
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:47 PM): well there was
GuitarPyro101 (10:51:59 PM): i just think we made to much out of what connection we had
crossbreedweirdo (10:52:05 PM): nothing is perfect
crossbreedweirdo (10:52:15 PM): oh
crossbreedweirdo (10:52:16 PM): yea
crossbreedweirdo (10:53:03 PM): was that your secret
GuitarPyro101 (10:53:10 PM): what??
crossbreedweirdo (10:53:25 PM): well he had this fun convo about 3 nights ago
crossbreedweirdo (10:53:34 PM): nm
crossbreedweirdo (10:55:00 PM): your confusing!
GuitarPyro101 (10:55:43 PM): oh..
GuitarPyro101 (10:55:45 PM): im sorry
crossbreedweirdo (10:56:02 PM): well the time we did spend togther was fun and ill miss it
GuitarPyro101 (10:56:35 PM): u see
GuitarPyro101 (10:56:46 PM): highshcool relations arent for shit
crossbreedweirdo (10:56:54 PM): well
GuitarPyro101 (10:56:56 PM): they leave good things behind
crossbreedweirdo (10:56:57 PM): thye really hurt
crossbreedweirdo (10:57:08 PM): missing things isnt good
crossbreedweirdo (10:57:09 PM): lol
crossbreedweirdo (10:57:35 PM): bc it makes u upset
crossbreedweirdo (10:57:38 PM): or me at least
GuitarPyro101 (10:57:57 PM): but missing them should be turned into like
GuitarPyro101 (10:58:02 PM): remembering the joy
GuitarPyro101 (10:58:04 PM): or w/e
crossbreedweirdo (10:58:32 PM): no bc i remember ross
crossbreedweirdo (10:58:37 PM): and he very much stillmakes me upset
crossbreedweirdo (10:58:46 PM): and its been 8 months
crossbreedweirdo (10:58:51 PM): so does brian
crossbreedweirdo (10:58:53 PM): so...
crossbreedweirdo (10:58:54 PM): no
GuitarPyro101 (10:58:55 PM): ok,,,
GuitarPyro101 (10:58:56 PM): ok
GuitarPyro101 (10:58:57 PM): ok
crossbreedweirdo (10:59:20 PM): im glad u think differently

as my dad and everyone else has said to me... his loss.

ross's loss too... imiss him. yea. i was informed of some great news. so im glad jason and i arent dating anymore. just made my decision alot easier. i did consider a realtionship with jason. but... someone else is so worth the wait.

its a secret.

im so antsy and nervous and ... gosh. Lord help me! He is. H e has been helping me. Thank you.
i need to go to florida now. aa change of pace..

i love my dad. he makes me smile. hes so right. hes always right. Holy crap im having a excitement attack.
last few nights i was in a panic i dont know what to do bc im scared of rejection attack. now its just... i freaking love life.
i wouldnt have cared... if i didnt kiss him. if i held out from a kiss just one more month. dude how does that happen? you trickster!
hehe. i forgive you. and.... my future awaits. im so sorry. im soo sry. dont be...

tehehe

2006-05-25T03:30:26Z

crossbreedweirdo (10:20:53 PM): .
PJ Rocker2003 (10:21:24 PM): well, can I ask you how old Jason is?
crossbreedweirdo (10:21:33 PM): 16
PJ Rocker2003 (10:22:53 PM): ding ding ding! we have a winner...
PJ Rocker2003 (10:23:04 PM): the problem with Jason, diane, is he's a BOY
crossbreedweirdo (10:23:25 PM): ross was 16
PJ Rocker2003 (10:23:25 PM): he's not a man yet, he hasn't grown attune to a woman's needs/feelings/desires, etc.
PJ Rocker2003 (10:23:31 PM): well, ross is special
crossbreedweirdo (10:23:34 PM): right
crossbreedweirdo (10:23:38 PM): i love ross
crossbreedweirdo (10:23:40 PM): or idid
crossbreedweirdo (10:23:41 PM): lol
PJ Rocker2003 (10:23:47 PM): I dunno if it was the spinach or what, but that kid is freakin' hannibal lecter smart!

ive been so depressed lately. so... unexcited... so.... crappy. someone take me away. i hate it. im stupid.

J Rocker2003 (10:27:16 PM): well, just look at it all as brief moments in time... our lifespans are only a flicker of light compared to the eternity in heaven we'll spend afterward :-)

dan is my therapist.

why does he even still call me? if he doesnt like me then he just needs to tell me.
dang it. go away you fly.

so this is continuos happiness. you know ill always meassured it something more.

Lord release your self.

Ren Fest

2006-05-20T06:12:33Z

sooo..... jason is at a church lockin deal. and im afriad.
i told him about the renaissance fest 2 weeks in advanced.
he said he was going with us.
ian invited him to his lockin 3 days before.
let me note that we are going to ren fest tomorrow. and jason is staying up all night.
jason said he can do both. however i get this weird vibe he is going to cancle on me.
and if he cancles on me... .... because hes tired or for sumreason because of the lockin.
i dont think.... sounds selfish but i dont ill persue us because. i mean i asked him 2 weeks in advance.
he said he would go. and its 1 am and he hasnt called me back yet about it.

ill be pretty damn upset.
and for all i know hes still coming. but if he does cancle. no mas.

sum1unimportant @ 2006-05-17T23:56:00

2006-05-18T05:03:25Z

gosh i feel like crap.
i feel distant. im not doing what i should be.
i feel so confused.
i want to forget it all. all of it.
i want. idk what i want. im NOT looking forward to anything.
im looking forward to already being graduated from college and being married. hurray.
thats so far away. someone marry me and take care of me. in exchange il be the maid.
ill be 18 june 29th 07 my number is 4911631. tehehe. open invite. im just kidding,
i wish jason wasnt so confusing. goodness!
ill regret it. i really do want to be in a realtionship with him. but i cant seem to bring my self there,
ill just get stuck, attached and hurt again. HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIPS ARE POINTLESS and they destroy.
because they end in the worst of ways. and bad things happen.
right now... again i feel like i need someone. someone to be intamitly close to. not phyically. but have a close bond, an understanding of each other. and companionship. ::cries:: i dont need that. cause God is that. i wish he was physicaly there.

sum1unimportant @ 2006-05-17T19:58:00

2006-05-18T00:58:53Z

i kinda just feel like dying so i dont have to deal with life anymore.

LIFE IS SO GOOD

2006-05-16T03:24:26Z

yet so frustrating!

jason is my fun time. really we do have fun times. and i wanna get a group togther for tag at the creative play ground at pinkerton. im leaving for fl soon. i have mixed feelings about it. i really cant wait to see my wonderful friends and the beach and just being home. however i wanna b here for the good times at the park. hmmm....ill miss everyone. 2 weeks. i need to study crap!

im not worried... about nothing! my worries are gone. do i have not a conscience?
i feel distant. and it sucks. bc.... i get upset so easily now and then im happy. stupid 2 minute highs. Lord i wanna come closer.

i hate this.... i make memories and then they will be gone and ill miss it. what do i do? i mean comeon.... jason and i wont always be like this. i guess the feeling fades? liking ppl alot really kills. bc these realtionships are so silly. well. they just tear you apart inside. i like him alot. im going to miss him. miss him this summer miss him next year. ill always remember.

i wish... i could open up to him. and be close. i cant get close to him though. so strange. like we tlk alot but we dont tlk deeply. like i dont know him yet i do? if u get that. with ross. i knew him... within the first few weeks. i knew him inside and out. jason is a little hard to read. i guess we dont have alot incommon. what i feel passoinatly about he doesnt. and vice versa? maybe thats why you take the time a long time to establish a wonderful close friendship then take it a step further. hmm.... i guess it doesnt matter. i dont want to be attached. i cant be hooked. and it hink im getting that way. i feel myself getting up set when he doesnt pay attention to me. and i feel my self getting jealous when he wants to not hangout with me. and... waw... NO COMMINTMENT. we are dating. we are friends with benifits. (kiss on occasion) idk. i guess kissing him will only hurt us more? God will direct me. i hope jason doesnt read this... mehh

i need to study... NOW!

goodbye my lover goodbye my friend. you have been the one for me.